Seeing this film is like dating someone that causes you to hate yourself.

TuskThis is a God-awful film that is at times embarrassingly watchable. It’s like filming a movie based on an Edgar Allen Poe story with all of the cast using methamphetamine.

With Tusk, Director Kevin Smith has brought us an indescribable film that answers an age-old question facing most women. What would you do if your boyfriend was abducted by a surgically impaired serial killer and transformed in to a walrus? If you found him alive, would you shoot him or have him transported to a sanctuary where you could visit and feed him mackerel?

I lack any meaningful ability to review this movie, as it combines a bit of comedy and horror into a film that is neither. Justin Long plays an egotistical partner on a hit podcast entitled “Not See Party”. (Cute, huh?) He makes his living interviewing eccentric losers and then making fun of them. Think of him as a poor man’s version of Howard Stern.

When he travels to Canada intending on interviewing a young man who accidentally cut off his own leg while filming himself in a sword fight on You Tube, he is left at a literal dead end when he finds out the kid has killed himself. Finding an essay pinned to a board in a tavern’s bathroom, he then seeks out the writer who describes himself as an old retired fisherman with interesting stories. That was a mistake.

The fisherman turns out to be a demented serial killer, and Long is soon drugged, dismembered and transformed into the world’s ugliest walrus. As I sat alone in a theater watching this monstrosity, I couldn’t help but wonder if the serial killer was going to sneak up from behind the theater and try doing the same thing to me!

If you’re still reading this review, the only performances worth mentioning come from Michael Parks and Johnny Depp. Mr. Parks plays our madman as a well read philosopher king, and he embraces his sickening quest with a bit of style. Depp is unrecognizable playing Guy Lapointe, a disgraced Quebec police officer hunting for the killer. He is both foolish and outrageous at every turn, and I was kind of hoping that Parks would operate on him also. After all, who could make a better walrus than Johnny Depp?

The only reason that this film will not be quickly forgotten is the likelihood that it will be mercilessly satirized. My personal observation is that women are likely to find Long’s incredibly bad mustache far more reprehensible than his tusks.