The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 2

If you really want to see a good vampire movie, then go watch Tim Burton’s comic understated joy, Dark Shadows, which starred Johnny Depp.

Rating: This is a film better seen at home where you can avoid subjecting yourself to public ridicule.

Breaking Dawn Part 2Please don’t condemn me for going to see The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 2, though the story does go from bad to catastrophic. First of all, I was the only one in the theater for this admitted mindlessness. As the movie ended, I entered the men’s room in shame. Suddenly, a voice out of nowhere declared, “Robert, this is the Lord.”

Shocked, I fell against a urinal, then dropped to my knees. The Lord responded, “Get up, you idiot. What if young boys walk in here? Do you want to get arrested?”

Still in awe, I responded, “Yes, Lord, you’re right. What do you want?”

Yahweh addressed me as follows: “While you should have known this, please be warned that any male American citizen over the age of 60 who has seen all 4 Twilight movies will be automatically banned from entering heaven.”

Shocked, I said, “Good Lord, Lord, I’ve seen all 4 of these ludicrous movies, but I review them. What choice did I have? To which the Lord said before disappearing, “Which leaves me with my second bit of advice. I’ve read your reviews, and those aren’t helping you. Enjoy hell!”

Flabbergasted, I stood for a moment, moping between the urinals. I regained my sanity, regrettably yelling out, “If you’re not going to order the Pope to let women be priests, hell isn’t such a bad option!” I then went to my car and put the whole thing behind me.

The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 2 is simply godawful. How these 4 films have grossed over $1 billion remains one of the great mysteries of our time. They have all been dull, pondersome, heavy handed and all but devoid of the simplest elements of joy.

And no, this review is not a backhanded way of trying to worm my way into heaven. All of these movies have repeated the exact same plot with minor exceptions. Kristen Stewart’s Bella moons over her now husband vampire, Edward, played by the mopey Robert Pattison, while Taylor Lautner’s muscle bound werewolf looks on with envy.

Sure, Bella is now a vampire mother, but she’s not likely to win Mom of the Year recognition. Additionally, other than showing an unfortunate encounter where she feeds quickly off a captured cougar in the wilderness, the movie doesn’t provide a hint on how these vampires feed. Sure, one of their cohorts attacks a pathetic guy in a city alley as a noonday lunch, but it is treated as more of a sport than a killing.

Though Bella can now leap through the air and off cliffs with the greatest of ease, all of these scenes are patently ridiculous. As noted, she has to be one of the lousiest mothers in the history of this planet, as she does little for her daughter other than to repeatedly hug her. The poor little girl is part vampire, part human, so one can only imagine that any attempts at nursing had to leave uncomfortable bite marks.

In between inappropriate laughter throughout the film, I couldn’t help but shake my head over the fact that Ms. Stewart is really a good actress. Yes, I am clearly aware of my conversations with many women who as a group hate her, but she has demonstrated considerable talent in other films.

Sure, she had sex with her male director during the filming of this year’s Snow White and the Huntsman, but the unfortunate extra-marital bed hopping did not keep her from contributing to a pretty entertaining film. On top of that, you should hunt down Into the Wild (2007) if you haven’t seen it and catch her breakout performance as an edgy teenage trailer park resident who captured the attention of the traveling Emile Hirsch.

Additionally, though their roles are eminently forgettable, the talented Michael Sheen and Dakota Fanning again appear as the villains. Here, leading a group of monastic vampires known as the Volturi, they alone bring an element of intrigue to a film that needed much more of it.

On the other hand, the jury is still out on Robert Pattison and Taylor Lautner. Sure, they succeed in achieving their one obvious goal, namely to look incredibly hot to teenage girls, but that really doesn’t say anything positive about teenage girls. Pattison’s pasty white face is annoying beyond words, and his complete lack of any intellectual insight or sense of humor leads me to contemplate that Bella will eventually leave a note for him that says, “Take care of our daughter, I’m outta here.”

The question left to be answered is whether Pattison or Lautner have any acting talent. I don’t want to again condemn Water for Elephants (2011) simply because of his performance, but Pattison clearly wasn’t much help. As for Lautner, his only prior performances of note were last year’s Abduction and Valentine’s Day from 2010, and I’m not sure if he simply isn’t better when he morphs into a wolf.

In any event, if you are remotely encouraged to see this film, make sure you don’t go into the theater’s restroom alone. My only personal remaining hope is that God fancies that he looks like Robert Pattison, and as a consequence he simply was enjoying the moment when he toyed with me. (I’d say “she”, but that would infer that God could be a lesbian. I’m in enough trouble!)